Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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