He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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