So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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