If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
