im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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