i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
