Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Did we literally take a cab across the street
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
