we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
