the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
