I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize