walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
