Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
