One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
