During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
