Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Randomize
