Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
