She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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