i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
