I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
