So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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