having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
