officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
