I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dear god my vagina.
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