Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize