Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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