Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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