Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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