I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
