Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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