your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
