I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
