I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
