Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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