so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
