Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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