I'm lost and stupid without you.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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