how can u be prego again
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
bring money and cleavage
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
