Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
