i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
