Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
