I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
