I think I died a long time ago.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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