Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
