I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
