is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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