Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
