I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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