I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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