there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
