i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
