I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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