her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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