broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
