True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
