Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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