I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
