Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
