Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
