Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
