Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
