Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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