cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
