i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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