Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
